It's Crack, But Not Really
by Katerina Riley
Summary: In which Arthur's soul gets swapped by a sorceress and said sorceress finds Merlin extremely attractive...while in Arthur's body. *It' supposed to be a crack!fic, but it didn't exactly come out that way. There's nothing too graphic, but there is kissing and licking involved between two particular boys however, one of the boys is actually a girl in a boy's body.


**In writing this, I learned a very important thing about myseld. I cannot write crack!facs. I tried to, but it came out... Well, it came out like this. That's why I called it _It's Crack...But Not Really _because it really was supposed to be crack! I swear it was! **

**So this was made because it popped into my head (for some ****really weird**** reason and please ****do not ask me why because you really don't want to know****) and when I shared it with my friend, she insisted I write it. Be warned! The characters are a bit OOC, and this isn't Beta'd. So here it goes…**

**(Oh, and this is not slash. It's just crack. Mega, ultra, utter crack... Though it's not really coming out as a crack!fic... With what goes on in my mind, a shrink would probably have a hay day with me.)**

* * *

_It's Crack…But Not Really_

She stared across the plains, admiring the brilliant castle before her. It was truly a beautiful area of land. Lush fields of green grass, a sky so blue and clear that it could calm any troubled mind, people happily working in their farms or contently bustling around the lower part of town. This place was so peaceful and orderly.

Too bad Corliss hates peaceful, orderly cities. Destruction, despair, and chaos. That's what Corliss is good at creating. That's what's _fun_ to create. Corliss has had much fun in her life. Ever since she was a little girl, she's gone into big castles or small villages to create as much mischief as possible. It's the family business after all.

"Oh Camelot," Corliss whispered. "We're going to have the best fun, aren't we?"

x~X~x

Being king was extremely hard, Arthur was beginning to discover. As a prince, Arthur could get away from all the responsibilities, if only for a few hours. As a prince, he could sneak away to visit his friends, go to the tavern, or even spend some time alone. No such luck as king. It's only been a few months since his father's passing, but already, Arthur was referring to his princely days as "the good old days." That was a problem. At least, Arthur considered it a problem. So when the chance came for Arthur to get away, he took it immediately thinking, _And damn the consequences_.

"Now this," Arthur murmured to himself, "Is pure bliss."

Arthur's horse was casually grazing nearby, while Arthur himself was leaning against a large oak tree beside a calm river. He was completely and utterly alone. No kingly duties, no nosy manservants, no distractingly gorgeous women… Not that Arthur found Merlin or Gwen annoying –though Merlin did have his moments– but once in a while, a guy just needed to be by himself, only hearing the whistling wind or the rushing river.

"King Arthur?"

…Or maybe the gods just hated him and only wanted him to hear the sound of people's voices.

"Yes?" Arthur sighed, turning to face the owner of the voice. It was a rather young woman with bright red, unruly hair and sharp green eyes. Her dress was a plain dark blue, obviously a commoner, but it was in such good condition, Arthur had to wonder if she really was a simple peasant. "How may I help you?" Arthur asked.

The girl looked hesitant. "You're Arthur Pendragon, aren't you? King of Camelot?"

Arthur chuckled. "And I suppose you're wondering what I'm doing out here instead of in my castle?"

"Well yes." The girl cocked her head, "But it doesn't really matter. Not really."

"What do you mean?" Arthur asked. Suddenly, this innocent girl gave Arthur a nervous feeling. He felt like what he supposed Merlin would feel when he claims that "something isn't right." But that is utterly ridiculous. Firstly, Merlin isn't here (and if he was, Arthur would've called him a girl for being so superstitious) and secondly, this was only a girl. Nothing strange about that.

"It's just usually a lot harder you see," the girl explained.

Arthur frowned. "What's a lot harder?"

Then, the girl grinned wickedly and Arthur knew his superstitions had not been for naught.

"This."

The girl lifted her hand, her fingers spread wide as she chanted something in a strange tongue. Her green eyes turned gold and all Arthur could think of was _Sorcery _before he was overwhelmed his all sorts of colors. He felt his legs buckle underneath him, causing him to crumble onto the soft grass. The swirling colors changed to black as the familiar feeling of unconsciousness returned to him.

x~X~x

Corliss had never felt prouder of herself. She successfully transferred her soul into the king's body. And not just any king's. It was _Camelot's _king's body she was currently possessing. In all her years, she's never been a man before. Corliss must admit how strange it felt. Her chest, while broad, was abnormally flat. Her arms and stomach were much more muscular than she was used to, and then there was that _thing _dangling between her legs. However, seeing as she was now ruler over the great city of Camelot, Corliss decided to overlook these anomalies for now. There was fun to do! Starting with-

"Arthur! There you are!"

Corliss, turned, and saw the most handsome man standing before her. He looked cross, but that just made him even more gorgeous. Hair as black as night, cheek bones so prominent that Corliss was sure she's cut herself by simply touching them. Then there were his eyes. The most magnificent blue she'd ever seen. If anyone thought the blue color of the sky was amazing, then they'd never seen this man's eyes. You could get lost looking in those eyes, Corliss decided.

"Where have you been?" The man demanded. "Arthur, everyone's been running up and down like crazy, thinking you've been kidnapped!"

Corliss cleared her throat. "Sorry," she said, hoping it sounded like Arthur's voice. That was always the most difficult part; trying to get the voice to sound correct.

The man threw his hands up in the air. "Oh great, and now you're getting sick."

Corliss needed to know this man's name. "And who are you again?" she asked as kingly as possible.

The man glared. "Oh very funny, _sire_." He said _sire _as if it were the most disrespectful and rudest insult he could think of. Corliss found she liked that. She liked that very much. "Forget your own manservant's name. That's very funny. Ha. Ha. Do you know how worried I was when nobody could find you?!"

"Manservant?" Corliss knew this day couldn't get better. "As in, you dress me and stuff?"

"Yes, and wake you and bring you breakfast and-" The man cut off suddenly, looking at Corliss in a very suspicious manner. Corliss suppressed the shiver as the man looked her up and down. Oh she wanted him. She wanted him _right now_. And since she was both king _and _a sorceress, why couldn't she? Just as she was about to make her move, someone interrupted. Someone who would most certainly pay greatly later for it.

"Merlin!"

The man turned around and despite Corliss immediate hate for the women, she was grateful to finally discover Arthur's manservant's name. _Merlin_. She liked it. She could almost imagine the way she would say it when he was under her.

"Yes Gwen?" Merlin asked, still watching Corliss carefully in the peripheral of his vision.

"Oh good, you found him," Gwen smiled lovingly at Corliss. In turn, Corliss smiled back while inwardly trying not to vomit.

Merlin eyed the two of them for a moment before, a bit stiffly, saying, "I'll go prepare the papers in your chambers, your highness. Please try not to get sicker. Or lost again." Merlin turned on his heel and left.

"You're getting sick?" Gwen asked, looking worriedly at Corliss. She raised her hand and placed it on Corliss' forehead. "Well you don't seem to have a fever."

Corliss needed to get away. _Arthur _might like this Gwen person, but _Corliss _was not into her own gender, and the person she wanted just walked away.

"Actually, I _am_ feeling a bit under the weather," Corliss said, trying to get away from Gwen as subtly as possible.

Again, Gwen frowned. "You're voice does sound a bit off..." She looked upon Corliss with concern. "Go get some rest, okay Arthur?" Leaning in, Gwen kissed Corliss' cheek. "I love you," Gwen whispered.

"I love you too, Gwen. Now if you'll excuse me…" Corliss made a hasty get away. She couldn't believe it. A womankissed her. A _woman_.

Corliss was too wrapped up in her own thoughts to hear Gwen's confused, "You never call me Gwen…" But all Corliss wanted, was Merlin. And then she planned on ruining the kingdom.

x~X~x

It took much too long to discover Arthur's chambers than Corliss liked. It's not that she didn't know where it was –which, she actually _didn't _know where it was– but people kept stopping her, trying to talk to her about some law or get her to sign papers. When the tenth person came to her saying, "I'm sorry to bother you, your majesty, but…" Corliss finally snapped.

"I'm trying to get to my chambers! Leave me alone!"

The terrified boy shut his mouth with an audible _click _and scampered away. Corliss smirked in satisfaction. She hadn't been able to scare anyone all day and she had missed the look of fright on her victim's faces.

"That was a little uncalled for, don't you think?" From the shadows emerged a knight, who looked rather mystified. "Are you alright, sire?"

Corliss looked the man up and down. He wasn't bad. In fact, he was quite attractive for a knight who looked like he had just been in a mud fight.

"And what are you doing in here with all that dirt on you? Are you _trying _to dirty up my castle?"

The man's lips twitched, but his face still donned a look of concern. "Arthur, you do realize your chambers are in the opposite direction?"

Corliss blinked. This was harder than she thought. When she usually possessed a person, it was a maiden who was constantly under guard (or she was in a village where everything wasn't too difficult to find). A feeling of –what appeared to be– pity rose up in Corliss' stomach. No wonder Arthur wanted to get away. She's only been here for less than an hour, and already Corliss was exhausted from everybody constantly requiring things from her. At least Arthur knew his way around the castle though. How was she supposed to do her mischief if people kept looking at her doubtfully?

"Of course I knew that," Corliss said, quickly thinking up a good excuse. "I was just looking for you."

"Me?" The knight raised his eyebrows. "Why me?"

"Well you're tracking dirt in my castle aren't you? I had to put a stop to it."

The man shook his head, a smile finally breaking free from his face. "Sorry princess." He clapped his dirty hand on Corliss' shoulder. "Don't mind if I walk with you to your chambers, do you? I have something to give to Merlin."

Corliss glared at the knight. "Why do you want with my manservant."

"Oh don't be so overprotective," the man rolled his eyes. "I swear, sometimes you just like my mum when it comes to Merlin. She'd always be telling me, 'Now Gwaine, don't you get in too much trouble or I'll beat your arse with my broom!' Which she would. But if I'd ever got hurt, which was rare mind you, she'd fuss over me night and day for nearly a week." The man –Gwaine, Corliss assumed– laughed and clapped his hand on Corliss' shoulder again. "See? Just like you."

Corliss took a moment to briefly ponder over the information. It seemed that Arthur and Merlin were more than just king and servant. The way Gwaine described them, they were certainly friends. From Corliss' own experience (she was an older sister), Arthur appeared to be Merlin's big brother. Of course, that was _Arthur _and Corliss was not planning on being brotherly toward Merlin. No, she wasn't planning that at all, and after she ruined the king and Merlin's brotherhood, she'd put her soul in its rightful body and take Merlin again, as a girl.

"_Not _just like me," Corliss corrected. "Merlin is a manservant and I'm a king." Corliss followed Gwaine, making sure he didn't realize Corliss didn't know where she was going.

"Oh, but we all know that's not true," Gwaine chuckled. "However, if you insist on being a prat, who am I to stop you?"

Corliss didn't know how to answer that so they walked the rest of the way in silence. When they arrived at the chambers, Arthur's doors sung open to reveal a perturbed manservant.

"Arthur, what took you so long?" Merlin asked, exasperated.

Corliss humphed and pointed at Gwaine, "This man was tracking dirt all over my castle."

Merlin sighed. "Will you two _ever_ get along?" he asked, but rather than annoyance, he seemed amused.

"The princess and I?" Gwaine asked. "Nope, never. Here," he handed Merlin a pouch. "Gaius said you needed that."

"Thanks," Merlin grinned.

This was getting too much for Corliss. She wanted to be alone with Merlin right now. "Okay good, you did what you needed to do," she said, shoving Gwaine out the door. "Bye now." She closed the door with a triumphant bang.

"That was a bit rude," Merlin said. "Are you feeling worse? I know you get crabby when you're sick, but that was ridiculous."

Corliss locked the doors carefully, making sure she was quiet enough for Merlin not to notice.

"Now Merlin, is that anyway to speak to your king?" Corliss took a step closer to Merlin, who took several steps back, frowning at the change in his king's voice.

"Arthur? Are you okay?"

"Why don't you not call me Arthur?" Corliss suggested. She took several more steps forward. Merlin continued backing up until his back hit the wall.

"Arthur, what are you-"

"Shh," Corliss whispered, placing a finger on Merlin's lips. "I said don't call me Arthur. Don't call me anything; don't even say anything. Just let me look at you."

"Please, Arthur. You're ill. Let me fetch Ga-"

"I said don't speak!" Corliss fumed. She leaned in toward Merlin's face. "And don't call me Arthur."

Corliss took a step back to admire the man standing in front of her. He looked even better without his jacket. He must've taken it off because of the heat, which is perfectly fine to Corliss. She didn't plan on either of them wearing clothes for much longer. Though how she was supposed to _do it_ while in a man's body was beyond her. She'll figure it out. Somehow…

"What are you doing?" Merlin asked, his voice betraying his nerves. Corliss smiled; he was more than just nervous. He seemed scared, and that only made Corliss want him more. Merlin swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing against his red neckerchiefs. Corliss' eyes followed the movement. She watched as his hands trembled and turned into fists.

"I'm king, aren't I Merlin?" Corliss asked. "I can do what I want, no questions asked. If I wanted to burn the outlining villages, who's to say my reasons aren't valid. If I wanted to jump upon my bed and make a mess of the entire castle, what's wrong with that? And if, say, I want to take my manservant… Well, why shouldn't I?" Corliss grinned wickedly. She allowed Merlin a moment to comprehend her words before he stepped in and planted her lips on Merlin's. Technically, it was Arthur's lips, but that was just a minor detail. The problem was that Merlin was trying to push her off!

"Stop-!" Merlin cried, pushing Corliss back, but Corliss used Arthur's strong hands to grabs Merlin's, effectively pinning him against the wall. She attacked Merlin's soft, sweet lips again, forcing her –Arthur's– tongue inside Merlin's mouth. When she felt she needed air, she pulled back.

"Isn't this fun?" Corliss taunted.

Merlin glared, "Arthur this isn't you, snap out of it!" But Corliss could see the worry in his eyes. The doubt that said, _But what if this really was Arthur…?_

Grinning wickedly, Corliss leaned into Merlin, pressing their entire bodies together. She felt Merlin tense beneath her. "You're right," Corliss whispered huskily into Merlin's ear. "This isn't like me, but what can _you _do about it?" Corliss nipped Merlin's ear, listening to silence. She loved the feel of Merlin's heart hammering against her chest. "That's right, Merlin," Corliss said. She let go of one of Merlin's hands, letting it trail down the man's side. "You can do nothing." As her hand reached, Merlin's hip, Corliss pushed down the fabric and dug her fingers into his bare flesh. She whispered, "Nothing," one more time, before licking Merlin's long, fine neck in one slow continuous motion.

About ten seconds later, Corliss found herself flat on her back, nearly on the other side of the room. She turned her head just in time to see Merlin fleeing the –supposedly locked– room.

For the life of her, she couldn't figure out what just happened.

x~X~x

Merlin feared he couldn't get away fast enough. He used his magic to push Arthur away, then again to unlock the door. After that, Merlin's only thoughts were _run, run, run, RUN!_ He was only vaguely aware of the people around him.

"Oi! Watch it!" One man shouted, but Merlin was out of ear distance by the time the man had said "Oi."

Before he knew it, Merlin discovered he was outside the citadel, barreling through the crowded streets of the market. He ran to the only place he could think of. The woods.

It can't be true, Merlin kept repeating to himself. It can't be true.

What finally stopped Merlin from running ended up being a tree root. Like usual, Merlin hadn't been paying attention to his surrounding, and he ended up being tripped up by nature. Lying prone, Merlin finally allowed himself to be still. He doesn't remember hearing anyone following him, and out here in the quiet, Merlin was sure no one was near him. Slowly, he sat up and looked around to discover that nope, no one had followed him; he was alone. Merlin breathed a sigh of relief.

"Merlin?"

Hearing his name, the warlock tensed and jumped to his feet, ready to run again if he had to. In his frenzy, Merlin didn't realize the voice was a woman's.

"Merlin, thank God that's you."

"Who are you? Where are you?" the warlock called out, turning in circles. "Afraid to show your fa-aaaaaa…" Merlin flinched violently when someone appeared in his vision who hadn't been there before. Once again on the ground, Merlin sat on his elbows, glaring at the girl in front of him. "Who are you?" he demanded.

"Merlin, it's _me_," the girl said. She offered Merlin her hand, but the warlock ignored it, opting to get up by himself.

"Who's 'me'?" he asked, never taking his eyes off the girl.

The girl huffed, giving a strangely good expression of Arthur before he went… Mad might be a good word for it.

"_Mer_lin, it's _me_. It's Arthur."

Merlin froze, staring at the girl –at Arthur?– with unveiled shock. "Arthur?" Merlin voice came out a bit shaky. "You're saying you're…Arthur?"

The girl rolled her eyes. "Weren't you listening; yes, that's exactly what I said!"

Hope, Merlin realized just then, was a very dangerous thing. "You're Arthur, King Arthur?"

"Yes, you idiot! Has some sorcerer cursed you too, or have you always been this slow?"

"Cursed?" Merlin question.

"_Mer_lin, do you see me? I'm a girl!" Arthur screeched. "I'm a bloody girl! When I get my hands on that witch, I'm going to personally wring her throat." Arthur turned to glare at Merlin. "She turned me into a girl," he said, his voice lanced with venom.

"Maybe it's to get back at all the times you've called me a girl," Merlin suggested, but his heart wasn't really into it. If that truly was Arthur, than the person who…who was with Merlin in Arthur's chambers wasn't actually Arthur! "Prove it," Merlin said suddenly. "Prove you're really Arthur."

"You seriously don't believe me?" Merlin tried to ignore the hurt that was hidden in the girl's voice. "Alright, fine. How?"

"Ask you a question, I guess," Merlin mused aloud.

"Fair enough. What's the question?" The girl didn't look concerned, which Merlin decided was good.

"Who do you like?" The image of Arthur's chambers flashed in Merlin's mind, and he tried to push it back down. He did not wish to vomit in front of the girl, whether she really was Arthur or not.

"Easy. Gwen," the girl said, flipping back her hair. "Ask a harder question. One that only we'd know."

"Oh. Right. Um…" Merlin glanced around, trying to think of a foolproof way to discover the truth. "Okay, uh, so…how did we meet?"

The girl smirked. "Another easy one. It was quite entertaining really. The day we met. It was right outside the citadel, where you foolishly tried to fight me, but lost because, face it Merlin, I'm just better at fighting then you."

Merlin let loose a breath that he didn't realize he'd been holding. "It really is you!" he cried, flinging himself onto the girl. He held her into bone-crushing hug. "Oh, thank the gods, Arthur! Thank the gods!"

"Merlin!" Arthur wheezed. "Get off me!"

"Right. Sorry," Merlin released Arthur, a grin still plastered on his face.

Arthur shook his head. "How is it that _I'm _in the girl's body, but _you're _still acting like the girl?"

Merlin noticed the way Arthur was rubbing his arms. "I don't know Arthur, but for once, I suppose I'm stronger than you," he replied cheekily.

Still rubber his –her?– arms, Arthur glowered. "Shut up, Merlin." However, his voice held the usual amount of affection it normally did during their banter. "So how are we supposed to fix this?" Arthur asked, gesturing to himself.

Sighing, Merlin wished Arthur knew about his magic. It would make things much easier. However, it seemed the gods hated Merlin because nothing was ever easy for him.

"I've no idea," Merlin admitted. _I've no idea without using my magic_.

"Well…" Arthur trailed off, looking thoughtful.

"What?"

"Well, she was a sorceress," Arthur said slowly.

"Yeah, so?" Merlin asked, wondering where exactly Arthur was going with this.

"So maybe, when she switched our bodies, her magic stayed in hers."

Merlin raised his eyebrows. "Are you suggesting you, King Arthur, use magic to fix this problem?"

Arthur gestured to himself. "Merlin, do you see me? I'm a _girl_. I think this qualifies as an exception."

"But you don't know how to use magic," Merlin argued.

"No, but I think this body does. I just need to know the right words."

Crossing his arms, Merlin looked at his king exasperatedly. "And how do you plan to do that?"

"I'm thinking…"

"You're thinking. Well, that's great," Merlin muttered. He knew the right spell to use, but with Arthur standing right there, it would be impossible to–

Unless…

Suddenly, a tree branch flew from out of the forest, hitting Arthur's head. He was out cold before he even hit the ground. Merlin walked over to his king, making sure he was indeed unconscious.

"Yes, this'll do nicely."

x~X~x

Arthur woke up to a pounding headache, but he also woke up in his room. He jumped out of bed and ran to the nearest mirror. Yes, he was, indeed, a man again. Arthur flexed his arms and touched his muscles, thankful there were no longer…breasts on his chest.

"Arthur? What are you doing?"

The king turned to see his manservant, Merlin, standing in the doorway, looking at him curiously.

"Just enjoying the fact that I'm a man again," Arthur answered. "What happened? I don't remember anything after trying to think of a reversal spell."

Merlin shuffled nervously. "Well, you thought of one and it worked, but apparently it took a lot out of you. After I disposed of the witch-"

"You _Mer_lin? You went up against the sorcerers?" Arthur asked, not hiding the doubt in his voice.

Glaring, Merlin continued, "After I disposed of the witch, I came back to the castle to find you sound asleep in your bed. I thought it best not to wake you."

"How did defeat the sorceress?"

Merlin was silent, as he eyed his king before he finally burst out, "Oh all right, _fine_. After you said the reversal spell, she came into her right body but promptly fainted afterwards. I tied her up and brought her to the dungeons. She's awaiting your orders."

Arthur nodded. "Good. I'll see her now." Since he was already dressed, Arthur began leaving, but something stopped him. He turned to Merlin. "Merlin, being a sorceress is punishable by death."

Merlin narrowed his eyes questioningly. "Yes, I know Arthur…"

The king took in a breath, trying to figure out how he was going to say his next words. "Usually Merlin, you're against killing. Even if it's a person wielding magic."

"I'm not against killing mercenaries, or people trying to kill you," Merlin pointed out.

"But that's what I'm saying. She didn't try to kill anybody." Arthur paused. "She didn't, did she?"

"No, but…" Merlin thought back to what she said. _If I wanted to burn the outlining villages, who's to say my reasons aren't valid? _"She would've," Merlin confirmed. "She's crazy, and she would've done anything to ruin this city."

"What exactly did she do?" Arthur asked.

The feeling of Arthur's –of her– fingers on Merlin hip returned. Merlin rubbed his neck, where she had used Arthur's tongue to lick him. Arthur's lips on his had felt wrong. So utterly _wrong_.

"Don't worry, Arthur," Merlin lied. "She didn't do anything too bad."

Arthur gave his friend a look of concern before turning around and leaving his chambers. Merlin let out a sigh of relief. This had certainly been a day he'd rather forget.


End file.
